My Dear Mr Webster, it appears you have delusions of grandeur sir, and i for one will not be pampering your every whim!
You seem to have softened with time, what has happened to the rufty tufty -5 torrential rain woodland hard man i once new? " Sighs"
Anyroad up, i will on this occaision relent and am prepared to ensure that an ironed copy of the Times and freshly squeeze orange juice will be there every morning of your stay.
Re the sauna, i am having a cast bath delivered to the wood, which i will light a fire underneath and call you when the correct temperature has been reached (white fluffy towels will be extra)
Alternatively, you can continue to cause considerable damage to the Dartmoor National Park office facilities, which you have been sneaking off to use in recent months!
That poor chap(operative) was normal, until he walked in to the toilet cubical one morning after a paricularly heavy night, infused with chilli, strong cheese, cider and brandy.
And various members of our esteemed group have noticed the mans strange gait since!
Your best attention at all times.
Ivan...