In case you're thinking of applying for a new job...
These are taken from real CVs and cover letters and were printed in the July 21, 1997 issue of Fortune Magazine:
"I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience"
"I have lurnt Word Perfect 6 computor and spreasheet progroms"
"Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year"
"Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave"
"Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions"
"Failed bar exam with relatively high grades"
"It's best for employers that I not work with people"
"Let's meet, so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience"
"You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time"
"Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details"
"I was working for my mom until she decided to move"
"Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments"
"I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse"
"I am loyal to my employer at all costs. Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail"
"I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing"
"My goal is to be a meteorologist, but since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage"
"I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant"
"Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far"
"As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments"
"Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store"
"Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping', I have never quit a job"
"Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 am every morning, I couldn't work under those conditions"
"The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers"
"References: none, I've left a path of destruction behind me"
Loved the last one, that's me to a tee :-P