101 SPOOF top tips
1. try and put as many rocks in your colleges pack at every oppotunity , feel better knowing there pack really is getting heavier.
2. Tie all kit to a piece of string, that way, if you can't find anything, you just move along the string until you do!
3. Never have curry if you are sharing a tent/shelter with someone (unless you want all the tent space).
4. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously 'erased'.
5. Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to the object you wish to view.
6. Vegetarians coming to camp dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they`re always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc `tastes exactly like the real thing`, they won`t know any difference.
7. Invited by vegetarians for camp dinner? Point out that since you`d no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours, and ask for a nice steak.
8. Camp hygiene a problem? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.
9. Avoid cutting yourself while chopping wood by getting someone else to hold the log while you chop away.
10. Never argue with women.
11. Don't pick your nose, or your brains'll fall out.
12. Don't forget the pancakes on Jiff Lemon Day.
13. Carry a peeled onion in your armpit to cure a cold-jc
14. Stuff a peeled onion where the sun doesnt shine for general wellbeing-oetzi
15. If ya unscrew ya belly button, your bum falls off-spikey
16. When walking in the desert always carry a car door with you, because if it gets to hot you can always roll down the window for that cooling breeze-stu
17.
ice cream is far too hot to eat when it first comes to the table you must let it cool down before you eat it ( blowing on it helps)
18.
It is very bad luck not to name every ant you come across in your hole life-jd
19. Avoid having to carry a heavy tent or tarp by checking into a decent hotel. Room service also means you minimise the need for pots and pans-
20. if fishing and you come across a particularly good fishing spot, make a small mark on the side of the boat next to the good spot.
21. Always remember to take a film crew with you, when exploring the wildernes.
22. When attempting fire by fiction, pages of Farenheight 451 burn the easiest.
23. Be careful when camping not to spend too much time in your bivvy; the police have the power to arrest you for loitering within tent.
24. Ratpacks are best eaten if the rat has been freshly killed.
25. Save time, by pouring a mug of Tea/Coffee/Soup into your sleeping bag, before leaving home.
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Originally Posted by JohnC
Very good, I've jsut sat here reading these and had a very hearty chuckle 
