Moving back to the US, goodbye my little village.

[TarHeelBrit]

We're moving back to the US My wife wants to be closer to her brother as he's the only blood family she has left and to be honest we don't know how much longer he's going to be around.

He's been an alcoholic for a good many years now and has been to rehab 3 times (kicked out of the last center), has multiple DUI's, has lost jobs (even one I got for him) many times yet he refuses to accept it's the booze that might be the common factor. Now his doctor said his blood pressure is through the roof and his liver isn't in the best of health.

It's tearing my wife apart being so far away that we've decided to move back and settle in St. Louis, her home town. Oh joys! the thrill of thinning our possessions, packing up, international shipping, flights & hotels. But wifey comes first and she wants to come home then I'm with her 100%.

True to say I'm gutted at leaving our little bungalow in the countryside, no more quick trips to the woods by the cricket ground for a relaxing brew up no more bimbles for "lets see where this lane/path go shall we?". Guess I'll substitute the night time trickle of the stream and the Owls and Pheasents for road noise, sirens and glaring street lights.....Ohh f-ing joys:sadwavey:. I'd never tell her any of this

 

[GGTBod]

Best of luck with it mate, you are not painting a pleasant picture to me here, so much so it actually sounds like my present situation that i am dreaming of escaping from

 

[GGTBod]

Aye man sounds like madness to me, sounds like you are leaving to go to what i suffer daily from what i would dream to escape to, a little bungalow in the countryside is my dream beyond dreams, hope you all get through this together especially with you not telling her your real feelings about it all

 

[bopdude]

Best of luck, as GGTBod says, maybe you should tell her how you feel, these things can fester, no chance of renting your spot out to come back to in the future ?

Sent from my SM-N910F using Tapatalk

 

[GGTBod]

Yeah you could hire me as a live in caretaker for your bungalow

 

[Toddy]

Sorry to hear of the troubles with family; it's never easy to deal with.

That said, if both you and your wife are actually happy here, I'd think long and hard about a total shift, especially if your BIL's prognosis is not for any longevity.

Very best of luck whichever way things go for you and huge sympathies on dealing with it all.

Mary

 

[Bishop]

It's an adventure, grab it with both hands and see where it takes you, The Mark Twain Forest is only a couple of hours drive from St Louis or you could get a place out there in the sticks.

 

[neoaliphant]

my advice, rent out bungalow, dont sell, put a padlock on attic and store stuff in there. it sounds as if it wont be a permanent move.

have a look at st louis on google earth, and take virtual walk out from it to find some wilderness areas, after all, US is know for its wildernesses.

 

[Robson Valley]

Any idea if your wife has thought beyond the life span of her brother? I'd be inclined, once there, to explain my feelings.
Your days of impromptu walk-abouts might be over in the short term but that could depend on where you lay your head.

 

[santaman2000]

Sorry for your BIL's troubles. Likewise for the pains of moving.

On the good side, I'd not settle in St Louis proper (nor do I expect it's your preference0 Rather I'd look for land nearby and either build/buy a small farmhouse or a mobile home. There's loads, and loads, and loads of farmland in the area as well as public recreational land. Renting is never a good idea here (as you probably already know) Just buy a small piece of property and if you decide to leave you can easily sell it at a profit.

This site might help with your recreational needs www.mdc.mo.gov/about-us/department-details/missouri-forest-facts Also you'll be well within east distance for 3 day weekends or longer to the Ozarks in Arkansas with several Stae and National Forests [url]www.forestry.arkansas.gov www.fs.usda.gov/ouachita www.fs.usda.gov/osfnf

 

[santaman2000]

One more bit of advise. He's your wife's brother and she loves him. That said, alcoholics can be (and usually are) quite adept at laying blame elsewhere. They're also very good at guilting family and friends into sympathy to the point where you loan money you don't have, miss work, lose time with other family members/friends, apologize for things not your fault, etc. and totally ruin your own life. In most cases it ends up enabling the addict to continue rather than helping him. Please-----don't let him make his problems yours.

 

[santaman2000]

Almost forgot, here's just one of many great wineries in the area. They have restaurants attached and fantastic food and wine. www.montelle.com

You'll also be close enough to venture to the Rocky Mountains in Colorado on slightly longer holidays; and St Loius is on the Mississippi River so river cruises on paddle wheelers are easily available www.AmericanQueenSteamboatCompany.com

 

[Dreadhead]

best of luck with the move. I'm sure you'l find some fantastic wilderness or at least nice countryside to explore once you're set up

 

[Nice65]

One more bit of advise. He's your wife's brother and she loves him. That said, alcoholics can be (and usually are) quite adept at laying blame elsewhere. They're also very good at guilting family and friends into sympathy to the point where you loan money you don't have, miss work, lose time with other family members/friends, apologize for things not your fault, etc. and totally ruin your own life. In most cases it ends up enabling the addict to continue rather than helping him. Please-----don't let him make his problems yours.

I agree. Alcoholism is a terrible disease, it's incredibly manipulative and destructive both to the user, and the people around them.

I'll be blunt. Anyone that rehabs 3 times and takes to drinking again believing the alcohol isn't the cause of their problems is probably doomed. Rehab treatments are pretty intense, the denial is dealt with comprehensively, it's key to recovery.

I wish you the very best, don't let his disease affect your marriage, be well aware that it could. And I hope you find some places out there where you can ground yourself.

 

[santaman2000]

One more bit of advise. He's your wife's brother and she loves him. That said, alcoholics can be (and usually are) quite adept at laying blame elsewhere. They're also very good at guilting family and friends into sympathy to the point where you loan money you don't have, miss work, lose time with other family members/friends, apologize for things not your fault, etc. and totally ruin your own life. In most cases it ends up enabling the addict to continue rather than helping him. Please-----don't let him make his problems yours.

I agree. Alcoholism is a terrible disease, it's incredibly manipulative and destructive both to the user, and the people around them.

I'll be blunt. Anyone that rehabs 3 times and takes to drinking again believing the alcohol isn't the cause of their problems is probably doomed. Rehab treatments are pretty intense, the denial is dealt with comprehensively, it's key to recovery.

I wish you the very best, don't let his disease affect your marriage, be well aware that it could. And I hope you find some places out there where you can ground yourself.

Regarding finding "some places of refuge where you can ground yourself" I assume Nice65 was referring to the outdoor pursuits and whatever other recreational diversions any of us might seek. Be advised that their is an organization for families of alcoholics as well. Al Anon )not to be confused with Alcoholic Anonymous) is one such organization devoted to supporting the families rather than the actual alcoholic.

 

[Nice65]

Yes of course I was. It's important, and possibly essential for this guy. He's being taken from his home environment to a city, and a possibly challenging period of his life. The man will be needing time with nature.

I'm aware of Al Anon. It it seems there's an Anon for most things. Technology, narcotics, gambling etc. Strange world.

 

[Robson Valley]

I went to AlAnon for quite a while.
They were a major support in the black days.
It's all too easy the think that you're the only one.
It's all too easy to get sucked into their "needs."
The kids and I are OK.

 

[KayakFisherFinland]

Wouldn't it be easiest and cheaper to fly the drunk to UK then stick him into the woods with no booze in sight?
Sure what we don't do for loved ones, but why is it the decent ones that have to uproot their lives?
Or send the wife to US to spend a few months with the lovely drunk, see if it's all bliss.

 

[C_Claycomb]

I lived with an alcoholic housemate for 11 years. No way as bad as the BIL described, but I agree with all that has been said about taking care of yourself and your wife first. I don't know for sure, but the guy I knew never learned from any bad experience as far as I could tell. That was drunk or sober, didn't matter. All the bad stuff that happened to him was just "luck", nothing to do with his choices or behavior setting him up for falls and trouble.

If you fly the guy from the US to the UK there would be issues with how long he could stay without work. You would almost certainly have to support him financially, whereas moving back to the US at least leaves some question on the matter.

Very best of luck! You know they have the internet in the US too, so no need to say goodbye from the forum, still have people to chat to.

 

[Toddy]

One of the groups I worked with had a number of 'recovering' alcoholics. I can't say they all stayed on the wagon, but most genuinely tried. The more brazen ones just took absolutely no responsibilites for their actions.
"It wiz the drink that dun it. Ah'm no' like that, I'm no', but see thon drink….".
Aye, well you took the drink.
I have never met such utter bold faced and confident liars. They'd tell you with absolute certainty that something was, or will be done, or they'll change, or take actions….and when it wasn't, ah but, "It wiz the drink."

I understand addiction from a theoretical and medical viewpoint, and I recognise the signs and the behaviour of those who are addicted.
Manipulative, mendacious and irresponsible in the most emotionally blackmailing ways imaginable, are amongst my kindest descriptions.

I'm genuinely sorry for any here who have faced such addiction, and have only huge admiration for the never ending determination of those who are beating it day after day after day. I can truthfully say though that I couldn't live with someone who was an alcoholic. I just couldn't live with the never ending stress.

M